Archive for the ‘Self improvement’ Category

I have just skim read the book ‘Date like a woman think like a man’ by Steve Harvey. It could be considered ‘The Game’ for women. In that case, I believe it could be considered a good thing. However, I don’t think it would actually work. Now, if you were to actually write the game when for women, it would be a really short book. It would go something like this “marry young, lose weight, be affectionate“. This however would not sell and would not get a huge film deal. So this book has been padded at and am filled with crap. Some of it would actually work. However, there are some basic problems with the methods involved.

Main concept: use of affection as a tool to get the men to do things that you want him to do (primarily to commit).

One of the main concepts of the book is that women give up sex too easily, and therefore men are not willing to work for it. Now this kind of sounds like the same PUA concept of getting a woman to invest and therefore be more committed to you. Sometimes this will work. Its a pretty well-known fact that once a man has slept with a woman the first time his motivation to do it again is considerably lower. It’s like there is this very special kind of novel value to the first time you sleep with a woman.

However in practice, I don’t think this will work as well as is suggested. The problem is value. A relationship will only last if both partners have a similar value and no amount of withholding sex or affection is actually going to raise a woman’s value. Actually it is more likely to lower it since the man will find her cold and calculating.

This approach works primarily as a filtering method, rather than a method of raising your value. For example, one of the main premises in the book is the you should make a man wait 90 days before sleeping him. Now if a man does wait 90 days he defiantly commit, but the chances are he has no other options (chances are, he probably wouldn’t get laid in 90 days anyway). However high value men (you know the men women actually want to commit to them) are going to have other women who will sleep with him. So she going to lose her chance at wooing him.

This process would actually work to help a woman get commitment, but the way it works is by lowering the women’s standards. She would no longer be dating the players who are never going to settle down with her so she wouldn’t be wasting her time on them. However, she also wouldn’t have the shot at impressing the higher value guys who are looking for commitment. What this system has effectively done has filtered out all of the good guys and left her with a low value men, who would be desperate to commit. Seeing as most women overvalue themselves in the dating market. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it also isn’t the fairy tale the book is selling. They might as well, just bring out a book that says start dating ugly, poor and unconfident men. This would have the same effect.

To make the comparison to the PUA teaching again, this is the same as suggesting he learns all the tricks to fake value without actually putting any work in to improve himself. So learning things like pickup lines, negs and so on. Without actually learning how to improve themselves, or learn how to make a woman happy. These types of PUAs who can sleep with a really hot women but can never have a relationship with one.

There are a couple of points I would like to clear up when it come to the definition of ‘Alpha Male’ in the animal kingdom where you have a group of animals that work as a collective (usually hunting packs) you will always have an ‘Alpha’ the one in charge this could vary in gender usually dependent on the child rearing responsibilities common to that animal. But for all effective purposes  each animal would be a member of only one pack, and that pack’s ‘Alpha’ would change over time this would charge usually with the aging alpha being dethroned by a competitor.

Human are different for one reason, we exists in multiple packs during our life time.  Even during a single day you might have to function in multiple packs (work, family, past times…) these all function effectively as packs, where at one point you will have one alpha, appropriate to the situation.

Your ranking in each pack will vary.

Most Dating / PUA material has the concept of everyone becoming an Alpha male as if it’s a set of behaviors that once mastered you receive your Alpha male badge and all women are naturally attracted to you.

Alpha male badge

Then all the Alpha males can hang out together in a group and not bother talking to the Betas! Well that not really the way it works, when every you get a group together we naturally form a pecking order no matter how macho you are or how nerdy. Any group will have a alpha.

Take these made up examples:

Alpha business man

Alpha PUAs

Alpha Christmas

Alpha nerd

Alpha male chess club

So want a surefire way to become a Alpha male? Just join a group of people who are considerable more Beta than you. 

Joking aside I hope this helps clear up what the definition of being a Alpha male is. It’s not all the chest puffing, faking confidence, aloof arsehole. It’s about being the person that the others look to for leadership, be it through competence, intelligence  respect or more often being the guy who has taken the role and put in the effort.

There is always, always an alpha dog, even in a pack of poodles.

Okay this blog talks a lot about how to become better at dating coming from the self improvement ‘becoming an alpha male’ point of view. This is something that might seem a little bit outside that remit, but stick with me.  I think all men at some point in their lives should go to a fetish club and I have a lot of good reasons.

1. It will completely destroy any nagging preconception that women don’t like sex!

Standard dating is based around the idea that men are the pursuers and women are the pursued. Most men start out with the concept that  men want sex and women don’t. This is starting to change a bit, but still as a young guy in the back of your head you think that men desire sex more than women. Usually most men who manage to lose this mind set is the kind of guy who has slept with a lot of beautiful women.  The PUA method of flipping the script is based around this, letting the women chase you. But to do this and be congruent with it, you need to understand that women want sex too, big time. The only difference is women are biologically programmed to only want it  from the best men possible, men are biology programmed to want it from every fertile looking women.

The reason why a fetish club does this better than anywhere else is because you experience it. It is completely accepted to everyone there. It is sooo in your face that after a couple of hours you would be completely acclimatized to it. You will be standing around chatting the most filthy acts, like you we’re talking about filling out your taxes.

2. Damm the women are hot.

This is what the average women look like in a normal club:

average club women

This is what the average women looks like in good quality fetish club:

hot fetish club girl

Or like this:

Alpha fetish girl

Seriously that is what most women look like. The reason being, you don’t get let in if your not prepared to wear something like that and if you don’t think you can pull it off you simple don’t go. You don’t have girl throwing their birthdays parties at fetish clubs, because 90% of their mate wouldn’t have the guts to come, primarily because they have to be that confident in their looks to pull this stuff off. Okay admittable these are models from Clairesville Boudoir Photoshoot in Birmingham  (Thanks for letting me use the picture girls love your stuff).

But believe me the standard is so much higher. (The exception here are the hard core play clubs, they tend to be more varied because it’s about the play more than the look).

3. People can be much more open about their preferences.

In normal clubbing, dating, sarging whatever. It’s strange to talk about sex, on first meeting people. Usually you have to work your way up about it. Some couple have been dating for years and never really talked about their sexual preference since it a bit of a weird conversation.

But at fetish clubs it’s easy. This drops one of the biggest taboos, 90% of women want to be dominated. 90% of women are turned on by a dominate man. Just look at the record sales of the 50 shades of grey (it’s a rip off of Story of O). The vast majority of women are turned on by a dominate male. In a normal club, this is taboo, women would blush push you away, call their protector males, if you try and be too dominate (Unless you have got really good game and can pull it off). In a fetish club you can straight out ask the women what they want and as long as it consensual you can do usually do it there and then.

Some of the stuff is breath taking.

4. It desensitizes you to beautiful naked women

Sex can be a nerve racking thing, especially if the women is hot. The two most common reason men fail to perform well in the sack is because the get to excited and cum too quickly or they get nervous and your sympathetic nervous system put you in fight or flight mode and as Wikipedia puts it:

The stress response halts or slows down various processes such as sexual responses and digestive systems to focus on the stressor situation and typically causes negative effects like constipation,anorexia, erectile dysfunction, difficulty urinating, and difficulty maintaining sexual arousal.

Simply put being in bed with a incredible beautiful women can make it hard to get a hard on if you are not used to it.

Where in this day and age do you get to stand around and chat with tons of near naked beautiful women (common outfit consist of just a mask to hide the women identify). If your regularly invited to the playboy mansion then that fine but most of us aren’t. The only other place I can think of is strip clubs, but to me the point that the women are being placed on such a pedestal is mentally quite an unhealthy thing.

5. People are so much nicer than normal clubs

Seriously people at fetish club are some of the nicest people you’ll meet. In normal club any idiot can get in, all the men are usually acting super macho to impress women. Fetish clubs are completely different, there is a feeling of acceptance and that the bar has been raise.  The people who come are usually pretty well educated, interesting unconfirmists, who all know their is quite a high level of trust required for you to be there.

Also the because the people tend to be more confident and people have stuff to talk about, people don’t feel the need to get blind drunk.

There are a lot of different type of fetish clubs, they all vary in the kind of night. I’m lucky enough to live in London so I have a pick of a lot of interesting night, their tend to vary from night like Torture garden which is much more about the clothes, to the kinky saloon which is more about fun sort of arts and craft  to some of the more extreme cubs that are based around play (i.e. more hard core bondage and S&M stuff like Decedence.

If you don’t know anyone to go with their are informal social meetup to introduce newbie to the scene called munches all over the world, join up at fet life (sort of fetish Facebook)  to find one close to you.

Any questions just drop a comment.

In the world today their is a lot of stuff to worry about. The economy is going to pot, feminism is ruining relationships and is adding to the whole economy problem. Then on top of this the environment that probable going to kill us all if the nuclear war doesn’t first. Now recently I’ve been watching a lot of scary shit on youtube and their is a lot of scary shit on youtube. I was tempted to post some of it here. I think it’s important to know this stuff, it all about living in the real word.  All come under understanding the world in my how to be an alpha male section.

However there is a flipside to this. First of all I’m taking for granted your primary goal in life is ‘To Be Happy’ if it’s not you need help. To be happy at some point you need to take responsibility and control of what you consume, not just food and drink. I’m primary talking about information(Even though the food and drink stuff is important to). First of all check out this sketch Bill hicks did back in 1990.

TV, News and advertising want to scare you, it needs to depress and shock you, it main goal is to keep you engaged and scaring people is so much easier then amusing or titillating them. A lot of this stuff is worth being scared about to, a lot of these problem could come to pass. But if you primary goal is ‘To Be happy’ you are going to need to draw a line about what you are going to worry about and in my opinion this line should be your circle of control (i.e. what you have active control over).

And the way to do this is to control what input comes into your system. This are my generally rules (which recently I’ve been failing to live up to):

  • Never watch the news / read news papers (Important news your real friends can tell you)
  • Attempt to reduce the amount of advertising I consume.
  • Don’t associate / hire compulsory miserable people.
  • I Try to concentrate on consuming stuff that I find funny, actually useful to me, or fun (usually nerdy stuff).

This doesn’t mean I’m living in some kind of illusion ignoring reality. It actually means the opposite in a a strange way, since I’m controlling the sources of information that I input I have a greater ability to judge them on their own merit. Also I’m selecting the information that will help me make decisions on things that I can actually effect.

For example, I don’t vote. I see it as a pointless activity, on the odd occasions I have voted I have thrown the vote away to the green party. I don’t vote for a number of reasons, but the main one is I believe it will have no determinable effect on my life.  But with the half an hour it takes me to vote plus the 10+ hours I should put into getting myself educated to the level where I would consider myself informed enough to vote. I can achieve a lot which would be of benefit to myself, my family and I people care about.  In the UK the we have 2 very similar parties and their too scared to actually do anything. In practice I’m making a decision who face I would enjoy seeing on the telly and in newspapers more  (both of which I try my best to avoid).

Now I’m already considerable more educated than 90% of the country populous, have a good understanding of economics and psychology and run a business. I should be a person who cares what goes on in politics. But I don’t, because it is outside of my circle of control. I’ll rant it about it but that because I find that fun.  But that half an hour, I would have spent voting I can effect stuff within my circle of control and improve my life. Maybe in future my circle of control will expand to the point where politics will be if interest to me, but until then I’ll keep my half an hour and do something more interesting thank you.

My main point is you are responsible for your own happiness and a lot of this is due to the inputs that go into your life. Investing your time and energy into things you have control over is a lot more effective then, just lets the scaremonger decide what you should be thinking .


So take stock of what your inputs are into your life. On a day to day basis this is going to have a bigger effect on your happiness. I’ll leave you with this fantastic TED speech on happiness by Shawn Anchor about how you actually function better the happier you are:

This is part of my dating advice clinic

So next up is Jack. Jack is 27 never had a relationship and spent most of his life morbidly obese. He’s unemployed, pretty nerdy and and his last sexual encounter he paid for.

Okay this sounds pretty sad right…. 

Well it’s not a cheery story to start with, but that only half the story.

This guys actually has a pretty damn good foundation to start with. He’s 6’4 and from the the picture I saw of him he’s not bad looking face wise. He’s just got a M.S. in chemistry, which is a proper science and not some stupid arse art degree. He is also losing the weight and putting on muscle pretty fast.

Now I’ve forgotten where I got this from, but bear in mind getting in shape can really give you 2 points on the attractiveness scale. Check this guy out:


(This is some guy I found on a body building forum, I kept them since I found them motivating.) This makes one hell of a difference. Getting jacked can seriously up your attractiveness by 2 points. If Jack get his body fat ratio down to 18% at 6’4 with not a bad looking face, add a bit of dress sense. This is one hell of a foundation.

If on top of this he gets a job and moves out from his parents house, then his is in a much better situation.

Jack’s biggest problem is going to be this:

Lack of confidence stemming from 15 years as morbidly obese and 1 year as normal fat. The lack of confidence positive feedback loop also  drove me to being an introverted nerd. 

Unfortunately even if he becomes super jacked, has a great job, flat and dress sense. It’s going to take time for his internal reality to catch up. He is still going to see himself as nerdy fat kids, he is going in the right direction.

First thing let me address this:

I had to pay for my last sexual encounter(i know embarrassing, it was my only one).

I have absolutely no problem with the idea of paying for sex and you shouldn’t either. Your helping the girl out, your getting hot sex, your also having fun. I urge you Jack to not give crap what anyone thinks about that. If everything is consensual then it fine, good even since it would help desensitizing you to beautiful women, plus give you an unconscious  moral boost. Unless you start beating yourself up about, it’s fine as long everything was consensual.

I wouldn’t recommend you do it again though. These are my reason why:

  • It’s expensive, (relationships are usually slightly cheaper, slightly)
  • You will lose your motivation to improve yourself.
  • Hiring prostitutes, combined with no self improvement does not end well.

The money would be a lot better spent on seeing a psychologist, in the long term this would be a lot better investment. You have self image problem that need to be worked through. Lot of that should be helped by the generally getting your life sorted. The multiple relationship section will require a number of post to get through, but the main thing is not to despair you are in a very lucky position compared to most guys, your problems are all square within your ability to fix and you are already on your path to fixing them.

The main thing is be proud of what you have achieved so far. If you send me a dating profile I’ll go over it. But kudos keep it up.

1 year from now you could be crazy fit, tall good looking, good job, living in a fine city. Then you just need to make sure that your internal image of yourself start to catch up with that.

This was part of the dating advice posts I’m doing. If you would like me to give you some advice. You can read my primary post here. Or just fill out the form here:

Getting actually useful dating advice is not easy. Ask your friends, they’ll say whatever will cheer you up. Magazines pump out vague generalities to appeal to the largest readership possible and real world specialist that are worth a damn are rare to say the least. This is where Dr Makeshift comes in.


I’m going to do a clinic (well at least until I’m bored of it). If you take the time to fill out what is a pretty hefty survey, I will give you a honest no holes barred appraisal of your situation plus advice on what your best options are.

Why should you listen to me?
  1. I’m remaining anonymous: My decision to remain anonymous gives me a lot of benefits. But the main benefit to you is I don’t have to worry about offending you, I can afford to be completely honest. I don’t need to sugar coat anything, I don’t need to worry about you screaming at me, threats of violence, so on. No real world ramification for me. Useful honest information for you.
  2. You remain anonymous: Unless you specifically want to be associated with this, I’m not going to out you. Their is no reason for me to, you can check back through all the case files to see that I’m honest to my word.
  3. My diagnosis is open to public scrutiny: I’m going to write a post about your situation, along with my advice. If people consider it rubbish, they can comment, Google note me, write a blog post having a go, whatever. I rarely moderate my comments, occasionally I will if I think they add nothing.
  4. I’m not trying to up sell you anything:  Presently I’m doing this mainly for my own benefit and to generate interesting content. I might add some thing in the future but not at the moment. I don’t want to sell you extra counseling session, make sure you subscribe or anything. That might change. But to be honest if I think you need to see a psychologist, that going to be the first thing I say. Heck I’m not even charging for the service at all at the moment. I might add in some queue jumping options in exchange for a donation.

First off I want to thank you for taking that amount of time and effort to really analyse my profile, obviously I’m grateful for ANY feedback but you really went the extra mile. thanks 🙂

Don – Wales

What qualifies me to give you advice?

I could say a number of things here. A lot of personal experience, my study of psychology and evolutionary biology, the point I have been active in the PUA scene for years, my need for testing, my adherence to logic and what I believe is a relatively clean lens that I see the world through. Also I did this for quite a while for a popular internet dating site.

But all this is highly subjective. I urge you to make your mind up for yourself. My writings are clear here, if you think what I say make sense then give me a shot, if you think I sound like a mad man then please don’t waste my time. Even though I have chosen to keep my identity private, my thought processes and opinions are far from it.


Go on you know you want to! What’s the worst that can happen.

Makeshift is right and he gave a good critique and I agree with him.

– Lioness

Thanks for all the advice, I’ll get to editing now!
Would you mind having another look when I’ve finished?

Shelley – Bristol

How to stop worrying

Posted: October 26, 2011 in Self improvement

That the birds of worry and care fly over you head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.  ~Chinese Proverb

Okay worry is a bad thing, it’s a life killer. People can literally waste their entire life just worrying about things that usually never happen. Here I’m going to try and explore what the main worries that effect people lives and then give advise on how to reduce and manage them all.

Worried I should be doing something

Life is complicated. In the past life would be very repetitive, daily routine was simple you could keep in you head what you need to do without to much stress. Now we have complicated jobs that change day in day out, extreme hobbies and multiple social circle that we move between. The human brain can keep around 7 things in its short term memory, as soon as you have 8/9 you start to forget things. Therefore your mind stresses about the things you need to do. In my opinion their is only 1 real approach that can fix this for you. That I believe is the Getting thinks done system:

These are my actionable points:

Follow the GTD system: The concept is simple, have 1 system which you can store your To Do list in, if you trust this system, then your mind can allow yourself to stop thinking about things. My personal recommendation is to get the book.

Learn to say no: If your stressed about having to much to do, you probable need to have less to do. Lots of people have trouble saying no to thing when they are asked to do them.

Get a simpler phone: At the moment a good smart phone will allow you to work anywhere at any time. This means that you have no excuse to not work constantly. Just by having a simpler phone you give your self permission to not worry about doing things at time like when on public transport so on. If you bored get a book or better still learn mindful meditation.

Worried about the outcome

Worrying about an outcome is very natural and can cause fear of doing things. Fear is a very limiting factor in most peoples lives actually if we all had no fear we would probable all be twice as happy, minus the extra people who would die in extreme sports accidents. These are my best solutions for dealing with fear.

Embrace failure as a positive thing: Nothing good happens without failure. You can’t learn any skill without failing. Failure is GOOD it’s a sign you are learning, it’s a sign you are growing. Learn to appreciate failure and pat your on the back every time you try.

Live in the moment: Now this is very hard to do. The more you can live in the moment the more happy and worry free you will be. Actual scrap everything in this post if you can read the power of now and absolutely give yourself over to it you won’t need any of it. Otherwise meditation can help.

Practice the Sedona Method: The Sedona method designed to release negative feeling attached to things. This method is designed to clear you out so you can approach life without so much baggage. I will try and write up more on this when I get time.

Get positive affirmation: Where the Sedona method is clearing down baggage, affirmation and visualisation is about building up positive life affirming mental habits.

Go see a therapist: Sometimes you can see the problem, it is often very useful to have qualified outer eye even if it is just for the purpose of identifying where your problems are. On the guru page I should be listing multiple guru which have been very useful to me in my personal journey.

Feel the fear and do it anyway: Ultimately the only real way to get rid of fear is to tackle it, this means pushing through and doing what you are scared of. Unfortunately it is nearly impossible to do without actual making the leap of faith. This is wonderfully explored in this book:

Have I made the right choice

In the past everything was simpler, you grew up you worked in the job for father had and then you married the farm girl from next door. You didn’t need to think about it, it was all laid out and obvious. Now we have choice, horrible, horrible choice. You need to make up your mind on everything and chances are you could have made a better choice. Here is a wonderful video given by Barry Schwartz explaining why the massive amount of choice we have these days actively is making us more miserable and worried.

So what can you actively do to reduce worrying about choice.

Hire advisers: Paying someone (usually an expert) to make decisions for you, has a massive hidden benefit, you do not have to worry that you have made the right decision. You don’t know what you missing, you don’t have to think about that. I hire a personal shopper and I believe her to be incredible good value for money, not only do I have a great wardrobe, I cut my shopping time by a half and I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing!

Make a couple of set decision and stick to them: Their are a couple of choices that you would need to make every day. What breakfast to have, how to get to work, what to wear, these seems simple but they take up brain space, my advice is to research and make a educated decision on them then stick to them.

Minimises adverts: I touch on this a couple of times, but adverts are very often designed to make you worry you are not good enough in order to sell you something. Try to cut down on the amount of advert you need to watch. If you have a website that you use a lot and you can upgrade to get rid of the advert, it might be worth it. Other things you can do is fast forward ads on telly, avoid magazines (sometime they can be upto 90% adverts) and listen to the BBC (if we have to pay the licence fee then we might as well benefit).

Aim for good enough: Looking for the best choice usually means you are going to be less happy with the choice you made (as mentioned in the video above). However if you aim for good enough the chances are you will be more happy with it. So for example if you try to book in to the perfect restaurant for a date, you are likely to spend your whole time noticing all the things wrong with it, however if you just book a place which is go enough then the chances are you will be pleasantly surprised.

Worried the world will fall apart!

The world is on the edge of a new recession and global warming is going to kill us and the Chinese are going to take all our jobs and the aliens were just waiting for Chuck Norris to get old they could invade and …

4 horse men

These day we are more educated than ever, we also are constantly told how ‘enpowered’ we are. This means that we are now prone to worry about everything, we can see our long term effect of every action we make. Look at some of these conclusions you can draw:

  • Buying a fridge = Destroying the environment
  • Buying trainers = Enslaving children
  • Watching pirated video = Supporting sex trafficking (this was a actual advert, I still can’t figure out the connection)
  • Drinking Coffee = Giving yourself cancer
  • Buying things made in China = Causing the recession

These are just some of the things that I can think of off the top of my head. These days everything you do has massive wide spread effect and thanks to the news and the internet you are now aware of it, also the empowered you should stand up and do something about it.  For GOD SAKE how can YOU let this MADNESS continue.

You can’t solve the world problems, but you can do some stuff to calm yourself down.

Realise you are not that well clued up: The world is a massive complicated thing a massive mess of cause and effect. You however only have a very very small insight into it. Give yourself a break.

Only worry about things within your control: Their are things in life you power over and then are things you have little to no power over. In my opinion you should concentrate all you effort on the things that you have a lot of power over and everything just leave up to fate. These things you have a lot of control over: Your body, your social group, your partner, your house, your job. These things you have little control over: Politics, wars, science, other countries, celebrities, sport teams performance. The environment is an odd one, you have a little control over the damage done, but it’s tiny compared to what good / harm can be done be government / big business. My opinion, do all that people request of you (recycle so on) and past that point don’t worry.

Accept you are going to die: Face it you will die, this isn’t an option you can’t live healthy to make sure you don’t, no amount of exercise will prevent it. You will die, accept it now start using your time.

Realise how little effect most stuff has on your quality of life: Once people basic needs are met,  food, shelter, companionship, sex. Most other things have little effect on your quality of life. Better car, bigger TV, flasher watch may give you a spike of happiness but the effect wares off very quickly. Even if the economy completely fell apart chances are your quality of life would not be affected that much.

Realise 99% of the time it doesn’t happen: Do you remember bird flu scare, that was suppose to kill millions, didn’t happen. Remember the recession, world didn’t fall apart.  World was suppose to end in 2012, rapture is late. Get the idea most the major of scares just never come to pass.

Cut down on the news / adverts: These things are designed to make you worry in order to get you to do something, usually keep watching or spend money.  Try to minimise  this, don’t pick up a paper, record telly so you can fast forward the adverts, take the instant news apps off your phone. Your attention is one of your scarcest assets don’t waste them on scaremongering.

Hope this helps!