Xinner, dating, wanting commitment with Aspergers

Posted: December 14, 2012 in Relationships

This is part of my dating advice clinic
Okay Xinner gave me a chunk of stuff to work with. But to break it down here is his ‘stats’. 27 year old, not bad looking guy 5’9 lives in Dominican Republic, Santo Domingo.

The reason I picked Xinner to cut my teeth on is because he has something I find very interesting ‘Aspergers’ now I’ve been out winging with a guy once who had Aspergers and he was a machine from a PUA point of view.

Aspergers is as much of a blessing as it is a curse. Most people start of with a whole bunch of cognitive biases and are so deluded by their emotions, which is often the main cause of any problem they have.  I see someone with Aspergers as a blank canvas they start with none of these biases but they also start with none of advantages. Xinner said in his form:

I’m an ASPERGER that has learnt to adapt, changing the bad aspects of it, and using the positive ones to my favour. *(took me 3-4 years of hard work)

Now I’m no expert in Asperger’s and so this really is from should not be taken as gospel.

But the important thing here is Xinner goals:

 My dream life would be either to have a perfect relationship where there’s no infidelity or cheating, and a lot of respect.  If I don’t find that, then I want the whole opposite. Lots of sex and different girls and pussy.

Now I’m going to concentrate on the first one the prefect relationship. If you want the Lots of sex with different girls then I recon you could achieve this easily, just stick the mystery method, pre scripted routines will do you well, keep watching keep calibrating. Make sure your logistic are good so on. You could be a beast, confuse the fuck out of women with your natural aloofness. Keep taking your cue from body language and take everything they say with a pinch of salt.

But I don’t think that in the long run, this is going to make you happy. You also said this:

I’ve sacrificed 40% of my nerdness to open my eyes and I’ve added a lot of versatility to my personality. To the point that I can be in any given environment or with any type of girl and simply adapt myself to it and behave like it is my own territory. I learn fast…really fast (thanks to my Asperger issue)

The reason why this worries me is because at the heart of this, needs to be what would make YOU happy. If you are sacrificing nerdiness in order to explore the world and understand everything better and see what else you might enjoy then that great. If you are sacrificing you nerdiness because:

  1. You think that you should get married and have kids because society expects it of you.
  2. You think that real men screw lots of women

Then that sad and will lead nowhere good. It’s the difference to be internal referenced and externally referenced. If you are looking outside of yourself for validation then you rarely be able to live up to it.

So really consider why you want to bother with women. These are creature that runs by a completely different set of rules, which the logic is dumbfounding.

So you have the option to be a happy nerd, surround yourself with obsessive nerd friends. I’m a nerd, lots of my favorite people are, and in my opinion a lot of Alpha males are.  A lot of the time men look to women to provide them with a positive self-image, if you are doing this you will always be tied to whatever her whim is at that point.

But if you’re sure you still want to do this read on:

Bear in mind guys without Asperger are confused as hell by women too, so you are not alone in this you may even have an advantage.

The problem when working with a trial and error system (like you are) you need a lot of goes.  With pick up this is fine, however with a relationship since they take longer and you don’t have as many chances to fail, this is bad.

Worse still you are not going to be able to rely directly on her feedback, i.e. what she says. Even her body language isn’t going to be reliable, since women moods change of a number of reasons, for example women dress more slutty when they are ovulating.

All I’m going to try and do here to my best ability is give you method to see when you are doing well (that should hopefully give you some ability to do some trial and error within the relationship, without having game over) and to try and give you a frame work of the way the women mind works.

Let’s start with basics of how the woman mind works.

Women will be rating you on a subconscious level on these factors Value, Security, and Fun. Value is what perceived value you have. Men and women calculate value in different ways. This is a graph I did for another post of how terrible feminism is.


Security is how secure she feel that you will stay around and look after her. Fun is how much she actually enjoys your company.

Value too low: She will leave you because she thinks she can do better.
Security too low: She will leave you thinking she is wasting her time because you will not commit.
Fun too low: She will leave out of boredom.

So if we imagine these as stats, like in a computer game. Now different girls have different requirements, usually dependent on different things. Women in their teens to early 20 will be more interested in fun, women late 20s will be looking for value, the older a women get see will want more security (primarily because her value would have dropped considerable).  But women in general will vary a lot.

PUA and ‘game’ is primarily based around faking high value and bringing the fun so that you can get a woman into bed. It is less help in a relationship, where anything faked will be quickly seen through.

To keep a high value girl, you are probably going to have to be high value. DHV stories and furry hats won’t work.

Okay back to the stats. For a strong relationship what you really want to do is keep all these stats as high as possible. So just do actions that increase the stats, simple eh.

Well no.

The problem is these values are all in her head so they are perceived values, which she is going to calculate by looking at your actions and the way the world treats you. For example lets give a simple thing you can do.

Buying flowers for a women. Now this will say to her I am very much invested in you, I want this relationship to work, and therefore I will do sappy things to make you happy. Bang, +5 to your security score great. But it also says that you think that you are not good enough on your own i.e. you think you are too low value for her and therefore need to close the gap. So you effectively get -5 from your perceived value.

In the reverse say cheating on her, this could effectively do the opposite. -20 to security (your clearly not that committed) but +20 to value (you have options).

Now women are naturally hypergamous, so they are looking to get higher value than themselves and the since women are calculating their worth by what value man they can get sleep with them (which is considerable higher than the value of a man they would be capable of get into a committed relationship with) they perceive there personal value as very high.

Plus you probable want a young and hot woman; they are the worse the value they place on themselves is through the roof, since society is constantly reinforcing this.

10 times as many relationships end through the women, on an unconscious level, calculating that they can do better and then engineering a reason for the relationship to end. They may use multiple excuses, I don’t think we are right for each other, I see you more as a friend, or just creating arguments out of seemly nothing.

This is rationalizing after the fact.

But the fact remains there are hundreds of stories of women staying with men that are bastard, and rationalizing why they want to stay with them “yes he hit me but I love him”.


Rihanna’s value is through the roof, but she keep going back to the guy who smashes her face in!

This is simple to explain under this system, it’s the reverse. Treating women like a piece of shit is being translated as he is super high value. Then they are just rationalizing after the fact that they ‘love’ them and using that as an excuse to the world why they stay with them.

Okay now I’m not telling you the way to keep a woman is to beat her. What I’m saying is you need to be aware of how the system works. You say that you want good women, who you can love trust and so on. Unfortunately all women run by these rules albeit on an unconscious level.

The example that you see where it has work out, is where the man is of high value and the women has treated him well.

Breeding has always been a risk for women, sleeping and committing to a man who was unable to protect and provide for her would likely mean death in the past.  So they play by these rules, ignore the rules of the game at your own peril. Don’t hate the players, hate the game.

However what you can be a little reassuring is as women get older their option shrink and it is easier for you to live up to their required value.

You can improve your chances by doing any of these things:

  • Legitimately increase your value as much possible, earning power, physical fitness, social confidence / competence, increase your social status.
  • Pick a woman from a social circle which is not full of high value men, you will be compared to the men she associates with most of the time. Picking a nurse or a teacher is a good call because these are primarily female populated jobs. The bar she will hold you against will be lower.
  • If you can find one, pick a nerdy women, shared interest could really build a bond between you. The more you have to sacrifice your own happiness to fit her more the more miserable you will be.
  • Win over her friends, her friends judgment of you matters.
  • The way you describe El Caribe“Lots to cheating, hot girls, hot weather, lots of beaches and bitches too. Relationships are not taken too seriously here. It’s like everyone does everyone.”  Clearly you already understand that this environment is going to cause you problems. Move away as soon as possible, especially if you marry.
  • Learn to control the frame and talk about yourself in a positive light. If you think you’re worthless she will agree with you.
  • Picking a women who parents are still together massively increase the chances that you won’t divorce.
  • Frame Asperger’s as if it makes you fucking super human. In a relationship you cannot hide the fact that you have Asperger’s, but learn to be damn proud of it, even a little arrogant. As a man victim hood is a complete turn off. Remember to mention the long list of super achiever who have Asperger (Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Friedrich Nietzsche), never let it get framed as a weakness, she should be damn lucky to find a guy with Asperger and you feel sorry for the other guys who don’t have your advantage.
  • Also you kind of have age against you. Men value tends to start to peak at around 30.
  • Learn to look after your finances (one of the most unfortunate realities that most people don’t want to admit is that a successful relationship is often underpinned by financial stability [Read Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki]). Women would not date a guy without a job for any period of time, no matter how good looking/funny he is (this just indicates how important finances are in most instances).
  • The lower value woman you date, the more you should be able to trust her.

So that my advice on how to play the game. This is next bit is slightly harder. How to tell if you are doing well or badly.

Now first thing as I mentioned women moods change. You need to think of them like the weather, some days they will be good some days they will be bad. You need to be more like a rock that weathers the storm. Perceived value is the golden rule, her mood at any one time is less accurate indication.

The best indication of your value is the investment she is making, i.e. the more time and effort she is putting into the relationship. The more investment the better you are doing, the less investment she is valuing you less.

I would like to leave you with talking about this bit though.

“Right now not as good to be honest. I thought I was on the right track, but caught my girl hiding things again,  <_<.  Not doing bad things, but just hiding things, which for me, means a lot, because it makes me not trust her. IF you hide 1 you hide 2. And then you hide 3.”

Firstly you clearly are on the right track you are tracking your progress and you are improving.  But If I was you I would try not to get too worried about this. It in itself it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you get more worry about it she will hide more stuff from you. You need to not sweat the small stuff, she just as likely to be embarrassed about something as she is to be cheating on you.

It could be a problem, but until you are sure, don’t let it bug you. High value guys aren’t spending their time worrying about women leaving them. If you cannot trust her she won’t be able to trust you. Unfortunately you need to be the vulnerable one and lets your guard down. You may get hurt, but that life.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all. 

– Lord Tennyson’s

This was part of the dating advice posts I’m doing. If you would like me to give you some advice. You can read my primary post here. Or just fill out the form here:

  1. Xinner says:

    Hey, Xinner Here 😛
    Just wanted to let you know, i read your post as soon as it came online, read it like 4-5 times again and again.

    Your answer really made an impact on me, so big that up to today i’ve been analyzing everything you said.

    I don’t regret at all having applied to get a diagnosis from you, i learnt so much with your answers.

    I will be working with everything you wrote here, and ill keep you posted. In the meantime, Just wanted to say THANKS !

    My sincere respect for you my friend. Have a nice one

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